


The What If's In Life

by ThatOddNerd



Series: And Those We Left Behind [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Family, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-28
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-19 02:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2370851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOddNerd/pseuds/ThatOddNerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Belle sits quietly in the library  her husband gave her, remembering the step-son she had such little time with, and wondering about what could have been.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The What If's In Life

* * *

 

Belle Gold sat at the circulation desk in the library, twirling the ring on her finger and looking to all who came in, pensive and sad. Henry had come in earlier, looking for a book he needed for an assignment his grandmother had given the class, and stopped in his tracks when he saw...well ... his other grandmother looking as sad as she did. 

"Mrs. Gold?" he asked, walking softly up to the desk, trying not to scare her. He thought she was in her own world, and wouldn't notice, but she smiled and  adjusted her eyes to look at him right away, radiating the warmth she always did, but it was a bit...different. Sadder. Heavier. Like she had a goblin on her back that wouldn't get off and was weighing her down.

"Henry! Hello. You don't have to call me Mrs. Gold you know. I don't believe I even legally changed my last name. Not that it matters. But you can call me Belle...or..." Henry smiled a bit when she blushed, realizing that the term she was about to say, about her relationship with the young boy, seemed a bit odd considering how young she both did and did not feel. Then again, his father is...was, older than her. By over a hundred years. Such is life in Storybrooke. She couldn't deny though that it sounded a bit appealing to her. Grandma. Grandmother. Yes, she liked it. "Or you could call me Grandma, or Grandmother, or That-One-Librarian-Who-Won't-Stop-Nervous-Babbling-That-I-Am-Unfortunately-Related-To..." When Henry laughed, Belle relaxed a great deal and gave a shy smile in response. 

"It's fine...Grandma." Henry tested. Upon seeing a little bit of light spark back into her eyes, he decided it had been a solid choice. " I was just wondering if you were alright. You looked...sad." 

"Oh." Belle didn't know what to say to the boy. How could she say anything? Especially now that things had finally calmed down again and Henry appeared to be re-adjusting well. He seemed happy. She had been thinking about his father, her step-son. She felt like she'd known Neal for decades when she had only gotten to know the man for less than two years. But she had liked him. She'd liked him like a close friend, a confidant...a potential son-in-law. No one, not even her husband, had seen her  after she had found out about Neal's death. And she made sure of that. Secluding herself in the room behind the clock, she had cried for hours. She'd cried for her lost son-in-law, she'd cried for her lost friend, she'd cried for Rumple, for Henry, for Emma, for herself. She'd cried for Neal, who'd been so lost for so long. Who'd finally found his family again only to have them ripped away from him, and then him from them. She'd cried for the man who'd become her best friend while they'd been searching for Rumple. She cried for all the memories she'd had of him and all the ones they would now never had. For the stories they would never tell, the moments of happiness, sadness, and anxiety. For the (possible) siblings who would never get to meet their older brother. She cried for the loss of a life and a person who'd been through so much, who had deserved nothing but happiness, only to die just as the possibility of that happiness was starting to show up on the horizon. She had fully intended to go full on mother on him, and create a safe place for the man she'd grown to care about just as much as his father. She'd had plans for their future. All of their futures. The Golds, together at last. Her, Rumple, and Neal. It was going to be wonderful...

And then he did what was true to his nature and his heart.

He'd sacrificed himself to save everyone. 

And that bright future with her son-in-law that she'd been so eagerly awaiting, was taken from her in the blink of an eye. How could anyone not mourn that?

"I guess I'm just pensive today. Thinking about a lot of different things. I'm fine Henry, really." 

"Is everything alright with Mr. Gold?" Henry asked, nodding to her hands, still in motion, the wedding ring still turning. 

"Oh. Oh yes, it's fine Henry. I just get fidgety when I'm thinking and it was there. My hand kind of started up without thinking." She tried to give her step-grandson the brightest smile she could, and while he smiled back, she could tell he knew she was putting on an act. He was like his father in that way. He was like his father in many ways, as she'd begun to notice not too long ago. Henry was every bit a Charming, his traits gained from his mother and his mother's family strongly present, but she could see Neal in him in so many ways. His keen ability to spot issues and want to solve them. His eyes, that twinkled so much like his father's she'd almost burst into tears last month at the diner, when Henry was laughing and talking about something particularly mischievous he'd been doing earlier that day. The way he tilted his head when confused, or listening intently, or catching someone in an outrageous lie. His personality was so much like Neal's, it was almost as if the boy was his father, just in a different form. She'd grown to know Neal well in the time they'd spent together in the Enchanted Forest, and she had loved him as if he were her own son. In her heart he was, he had been since they'd met. (Well, met as Belle and Neal, and not Lacey and Neal.) 

"I better go. Mom...Regina Mom, she's picking me up soon. We're going for hot cocoa at Granny's. Want me to bring you anything back for later?" Henry and his kindness. She knew Emma and her family to be kind, but this was a small brand of kindness that just radiated Neal. She smiled again and shook her head.

"No Henry, I'm alright. Thank you though." As he turned to leave, he stopped suddenly, and Belle straightened her posture even more, if that was possible, ready to rally more questions.

"Grandma?" Henry's voice had gone soft, with a twinge of sadness mixed in it, and somehow Belle knew he had figured out why she looked so sad.

"Yes Henry?" 

"I miss him too." Before she could respond, Henry quickly asked her to check out the book, before almost bolting out the door. She felt a twinge of pain in her heart she couldn't  quite understand. The poor kid had lost his father, of course he was still in mourning. Losing a parent...you never stop being sad. Not really.

It was behind the desk, hours later, that Rumpelstiltskin found his wife, her pensive and sad expression had evolved into pensive and positively crushed. Her eyes, which looked so distant, were filled with tears that streamed down her face. She'd stopped fidgeting with her wedding ring, but started in on ripping pieces of scrap paper she left on the desk for people to write book information on, into tinier and tinier strips. The moves were surprisingly violent, and he noted the confetti surrounding her desk. He instantly became worried, a million different awful explanations  rushing into his head as he got closer and closer to the desk. She wanted a divorce. Her dad was dying (He wouldn't care but she would, which meant he did.). Something had happened to the rare antique book she loved so much, the one that they could never replace. She'd been cursed. She'd been hurt. Someone had hurt her. She'd been pregnant, not told him yet, then lost the child. She was dying. Henry was dying. Little Neal was dying. The town was to be cursed (again) and she somehow knew before him and they were _all_  going to die. 

"Belle?" he inquired cautiously, pulling up a chair next to the desk, and taking her fast moving hands in his, halting the violent tearing of paper and making her shake. "What's wrong?" 

He was not ready for the sudden, sharp, and heart breaking sob that came from her, nor was he ready for the increase in tears and her ripping her hands from his to cover her face. Her entire body shook as she cried, and he moved closer, putting his arms around her and holding her close. He was a little relieved when she moved into him and, while she didn't stop her body shaking crying, she did press into him a bit. Unsure if he should say something or just hold her as she cried, he opted for the latter and sat there, his wife sobbing into his chest, his heart slowly breaking more and more as the minutes passed into half an hour, then an hour, then two. 

"Sometimes this world is just so cruel I want to scream. Scream so loud everyone can hear it in this world and in the Enchanted Forest. I want to scream about those cruelties, and how unfair it all is, and how awfully the universe treats the gentlest of souls. I want to scream, and break things, and just create chaos. I think I finally understand to some degree why you fell apart. Not a full understanding but... suddenly all I want to do is see chaos all around me, so that maybe, just maybe, the pain will dull. I feel like I'm stuck between feeling every bit of sadness and anger in the universe, and feeling nothing at all. I feel...I feel like there's a hole inside me. One that will never be filled or repaired. It will just be empty for the rest of my life. This is...I just...I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous." It had been the first words she'd said in nearly three hours, and she'd said them in such a rush, her voice cracking more and more as she went on, he was momentarily stunned. 

"My dear, what..."

"I'm being ridiculous. It doesn't matter. Let's go home yeah? I don't really feel like cooking. I doubt you do either. Let's stop at Granny's on the way home for food." Belle got up suddenly, the rolling office chair she had occupied, hitting the bookcase behind her with a THUNK. She quickly grabbed her purse and her coat, before walking quickly to the door, the sudden need for fresh air overwhelming her. 

When she stepped outside, she took a great lungful of air, her eyes, so recently hot with tears, were stinging her as a cool breeze fluttered past. Rumple came up behind her, still puzzled, but she said nothing. Carefully he took the keys to the library from her and went back to lock up, before joining her again on the sidewalk. 

"What's wrong?" he tried again, his heart hurting over seeing his wife so clearly distraught. 

" I got to know him pretty well. In the year we had been in the Enchanted Forest, looking for you. It's funny how something like that brings people together." As soon as he realized who she was talking about, his breath caught in his throat. He had hoped she didn't know what day it was. He was wrong. "I  got to know his mannerisms. His hopes, dreams. We talked about our demons, metaphorical and real. We talked about everything under the sun. I dare say he was my best friend. He knew me even better than you did. I guess I just mesh well with the Gold boys." she gave him a small, sad smile and a side glance at that, to which he returned. " But it had been more than that. In a weird way I already kind of felt like his mother. I felt this weird, overwhelming need to protect him. He felt the same for me. We were a family before we were ever actually a family. And I know this is...off to say, but he felt like my son too. He felt like my son and when he died I... it felt like I'd gotten my heart ripped out of my chest and someone was slowly crushing it till it turned to mush. It ... I hid. I hid from everyone and I cried. I cried for everything. For you, for Henry, for Emma, for Neal, for myself. I cried for all the memories we had and all the ones we now wouldn't have. We were robbed Rumple. Robbed of something and someone precious. We were robbed of our..." she took a deep breath as she felt the tears start to well inside her once again. " We were robbed of our son." her breathing started to calm as she managed to control herself, but she still felt a deep sadness. "And you...you finally see him again after so long...and then all that ...awful stuff happened and you come back only to see your only son die. I can't imagine what you were and are going through." She turned to him then, droplets of water falling onto her hair as it started to rain. "He was older than me, and not biologically mine, but when I think of Neal, I think of him as my son and my best friend. The one who didn't get to see his father get married again, the one who won't get to meet his siblings some day. The one who grew old without actually getting to grow old. And that is why I am filled with such an anger and sadness I've never experienced before when I think of that...woman. That Zelena. I was almost, secretly mind you and I doubt I would have done it, almost willing to kill the woman myself. I had these fantasies ...awful fantasies, about killing her in grotesque ways. And then that just made me feel even worse. It isn't me. It isn't me at all, but that woman inspired that anger and madness within me when she became responsible for ending a life of a person who deserved nothing but happiness."

Rumpelstiltskin pulled her in tight, hugging her and resting his chin on top of her head as she laid her head on his chest. 

" I know Belle, I know. I feel the same." 

" I'm sorry. I know he wasn't technically ever my son but..." 

"No, he was. He was your son. In every way that mattered. He loved you, I'm sure of it. He would have been happy to call you Mother." There was a silence as they remembered, and mourned, and found solace in each other.

"Henry called me Grandma earlier." Belle said finally, lifting her head from his chest and smiling. 

"Oh?" Rumpelstiltskin moved to start walking, and Belle looped one of her arms with one of his. 

"Yes. He called me Mrs. Gold at first but I told him he didn't have to be so formal. He could call me Belle, or Grandma, I told him. And I'm sure my face was bright red. Imagine me a grandmother. Sometimes I forget how old we all really are. Anyway, he went with Grandma." 

"And how did that feel?" 

"Honestly? Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. I am Henry Mills' odd Grandma who runs the library. I like it." She was starting to get a spring back in her step, which made his heart soar. He hated seeing her sad. 

"Well I'm glad. I hope he one day feels comfortable enough to call me Grandpa."

"I think he believes you'd be mad if he did for some reason." Belle commented. "You should tell him you're fine with it. I expect that spending all those years knowing you as just 'Mr. Gold from the Pawn Shop', are still a little stuck with him, biological relation or not."

"True." 

"Hello Gold and Gold." They turned to see Regina and Henry walking up behind them, Henry giving them both a big smile, and even Regina had a little quirk of the lips that meant she approved of her present company. 

"Hi Grandma, hi Mr. Gold." Henry greeted. 

"It's...it's alright if you want to call me Grandpa you know Henry. Although I'd understand if you didn't..."

"Nah that's cool. I'm going to the church. You wanna come Grandpa?" 

"The church? Why, may I ask?" Belle looked puzzled. She'd never known Henry to be particularly religious. 

"We're going to light a candle for my dad." Henry replied, as if it were nothing. As if it were obvious. 

"Is that so?" Rumpelstiltskin looked questioningly at Regina and saw, to his surprise, a sadness flit across her face.

"I may not have known your son well Gold, but he was a good person who died a hero. And I think that should be honored." There was Regina, surprising him as usual. She'd changed so much in the past years, he wasn't entirely sure what to think of her anymore. He nodded in approval, and looked from his wife, to his grandson, to Regina, and took a deep breath.

"That sounds like a wonderful idea Henry. Will you walk with me?" he asked, using his cane to indicate the way to the church. Henry beamed and nodded, starting down the sidewalk, his Grandma and mom following close behind. 

Losing someone was never easy, the sadness never really went away, but someone you manage. You move on.

But you could hardly be faulted for feeling the grief on the anniversary of their death. 

The End. 


End file.
